Anger Management, Part Three

The question isn’t, “Do you get angry?” We all do. The question is: How do you manage your anger?

I’m in the middle of a blog series on anger. In the first post I talked about how anger is like an iceberg with different emotions hiding under the surface (click here to read). In the second I wrote about the two most common reasons for anger, which are feeling unloved and/or controlled (click here to read).

Today I want to share some practical tools for managing your anger. 

1.     Take a time out. Have you ever been in the middle of an argument and suddenly realized that you weren’t making any progress? You argued and yelled, but nothing productive happened. In moments like these it’s helpful to take a time out in order to cool down and collect your thoughts. One of the recommendations I give to couples and families is to come up with a funny code word that can be used when anger arises. If things begin to escalate, someone in the family says the code word and everyone involved takes a 15-minute break from the discussion. The conversation continues after everyone has cooled down. 

2.     Breathe. When people experience anger, their bodies become dysregulated. Taking deep breaths helps to bring balance back to the body.  

3.     Find a calm place. One of my favorite activities to do with clients is a calm place exercise. Close your eyes and picture a place where you experience peace. It can be a real or imagined place. A lot of people use the beach or the mountains. As you picture yourself in that place begin tapping on your thighs, right/left, right/left for several minutes. Experience the sights, smells and sounds of the place. 

4.     Practice healthy self-talk. Talk to yourself in calm, reasonable and constructive sentences that move you away from anger and towards peace. Some examples include, “It’s not a big deal. Everything is going to be OK. I can have this conversation without shouting. I’ve got this.” 

5.     Pray. If you are a person of faith, prayer can be a helpful tool in the battle against anger. Ask God to help you remain respectful and calm. God cares about you and wants to help you. “Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you” (1 Peter 5:7).

6.     Exercise regularly. Physical exercise helps the body release tension and expel energy. Many people find regular exercise helpful in the management of emotions like anger.

7.     Use thought-stopping techniques. When anger begins to escalate one helpful tool is diversionary activities like thought-stopping. The buildup of anger is stopped and replaced with a more enjoyable experience. Here’s instructions for how to do it.

Step 1

·      Say to yourself “STOP.” (Or shout “STOP” out loud if you are alone.)

·      Imagine the word “STOP” in the form of a large red stop sign or billboard or in flashing neon lights.

·      Keep hearing “STOP” shouted in your mind.

Step 2

·      Begin tapping on your thighs or shoulders in a constant right, left motion.

·      Take repeated deep breaths for 30 seconds.

·      Inhale, and when you exhale, say the word “CALM” to yourself.

·      Let your muscles relax if you can and imagine a pleasant scene such as lying on a warm, sandy beach or watching a sunset.

Step 3

·      Repeat the cycle of “STOP” and “CALM” several times in order to break the chain of thought.  Continue tapping throughout the entire exercise.

The next post in this series will be about helping your children manage their anger. 

The Renewing Life Center is here for you! Whether you are struggling with anger or something else, we have trained professionals available to help. Call us at 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment.