Anger Management, Part One
Do you struggle with anger? Get mad easily? Yell a lot at your kids or spouse?
Anger gets brought up a lot in counseling sessions. Why does everyone in my house yell at each other? Why do my spouse and I fight so often? Why do I get so mad? What’s my problem?
I’m going to use my next few blog posts to talk about anger. A lot of my information will be coming from The Anger Workbook by Les Carter and Frank Minirth which is a great resource to help you learn how to deal with anger in a healthy way.
What is anger?
Anger is a normal human emotion. Everyone experiences it at different times, to varying degrees. You might picture anger as someone screaming and yelling, throwing things at the walls. But anger can also be expressed in withdrawal, passive aggression or self-pity.
I find the definition of anger by the American Psychological Association instructive. “Anger is an emotion characterized by antagonism toward someone or something you feel has deliberately done you wrong. Anger can be a good thing. It can give you a way to express negative feelings, for example, or motivate you to find solutions to problems. But excessive anger can cause problems. Increased blood pressure and other physical changes associated with anger make it difficult to think straight and harm your physical and mental health.”
The Gottman Institute developed a really helpful tool for understanding anger. Picture yourself on a cruise ship sailing by an iceberg in Alaska. All you can see is the top of the iceberg. But there is a lot more iceberg underneath the water that you can’t see. With a person, anger is what you see on the surface. But underneath the surface are other emotions like guilt, fear, stress, hurt, trauma, rejection, depression and frustration.
When you feel angry, the question to ask yourself is, What’s causing me to become angry? What are the hidden emotions you are experiencing that are causing your anger? Are you hurt or offended by something your boss said and what’s on the surface is anger? Are you frustrated by your child’s behavior and express it by yelling at them in anger? Did your wife reject you and you yell at her later about something totally unrelated? What’s going on under the surface?
Another question to ask yourself is, Do I struggle with anger? Is this something I need to work on? Carter and Minirth provide an inventory that can assist you in assessing your level of anger. Place a check next to each statement that applies to you.
o Impatience comes over me more frequently than I would like.
o I nurture critical thoughts quite easily.
o When I am displeased with someone, I may shut down any communication or withdraw.
o I feel inwardly annoyed when family and friends do not comprehend my needs.
o Tension mounts within me as I tackle a demanding task.
o I feel frustrated when I see someone else having fewer struggles than I do.
o When facing an important event, I may obsessively ponder how I must manage it.
o Sometimes I walk in another direction to avoid seeing someone I do not like.
o When discussing a controversial topic, my tone of voice is likely to become persuasive.
o I can accept a person who admits his or her mistakes, but I have a hard time accepting someone who refuses to admit his or her weaknesses.
o When I talk about my irritations, I don’t really want to hear an opposite point of view.
o I do not easily forget when someone does me wrong.
o When someone confronts me from a misinformed position, I am thinking of my rebuttal as he or she speaks.
o Sometimes my discouragement makes me want to quit.
o I can be quite aggressive in my business pursuits or even when playing a game just for fun.
o I struggle emotionally with the things in life that are not fair.
o Although I know it may not be right, I sometimes blame others for my problems.
o When someone openly speaks ill of me, my natural response is to think of how I can defend myself.
o Sometimes I speak slanderously about a person, not really caring how it may harm his or her reputation.
o I may act kindly on the outside while feeling frustrated on the inside.
o Sarcasm is a trait I use in expressing humor.
o When someone is clearly annoyed with me, I too easily jump into the conflict.
o At times I struggle with moods of depression or discouragement.
o I have been known to take an “I-don’t-care” attitude toward the needs of others.
o When I am in an authority role, I may speak too sternly or insensitively.
Go back through the inventory and count the number of statements you checked. If you scored between 10-15 your anger is probably more constant than you might like. If you scored 15-25 you probably experience anger quite often. It may also be helpful to have your spouse or a loved one take the inventory, answering the questions as he or she thinks you would respond. Sometimes other people are able to give us a different perspective on our behavior.
If you scored high on the inventory, don’t be discouraged. There is always hope! At the Renewing Life Center, we have trained professionals who can help you understand and manage your anger. Call 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment.