Anger Management, Part Two
The other day I got really angry at my husband. He did something that hurt my feelings and instead of having a healthy conversation about how I was feeling, I snapped at him and accused him of being a jerk. Not my best moment!
In my last blog post (click here to read), I shared how anger is like an iceberg. Different emotions are hiding under the surface. Often, we feel and reveal anger, but deep down there’s a lot more going on.
The Anger Workbook by Carter and Minirth is a great resource for helping to manage anger. They state the two main reasons people experience anger: (1) they feel unloved and/or (2) they feel controlled.
Unloved
Everyone needs to experience love. It’s a basic human need. When we feel loved and valued, our emotions are stable and our outlook on life is positive. When we don’t feel loved or accepted, we experience rejection and anger typically follows.
Look back at your childhood. Did you grow up in a home where you felt loved and valued? Did you feel you mattered and were important? Did your family praise you and show you affection? If you felt loved, chances are good you felt secure. If your need for love was unmet or inadequately met, you may have struggled. Carter and Minirth write, “Insufficient love creates fertile ground for emotional instability.” That emotional instability probably led to anger during that time. It may still be surfacing in anger.
Controlled
Do you ever feel controlled by people or circumstances? You might even feel imprisoned by a controlling environment. Check the following items that apply to you.
o When I grew up, I was expected to obey the rules with no questions asked.
o I would like to speak more freely about personal matters, but to do so would only lead to arguments or disappointments.
o When I share a unique opinion or preference, it is often met with a putdown or an invalidation.
o The people I’d like to be most open with are too unavailable to me.
o I feel as if I live in the midst of critics.
o Peacefulness only seems to come when I can get away by myself.
o I often calculate in advance the way I will use my words.
o Some of my closest relationships have been soured by long stretches of silence and no communication.
o I often feel that my performances are all that matters to others.
o I have close relationships that could best be described as stressful.
If you checked five or more items, your environment may have a rigidness that makes emotional composure difficult and may lead you to be susceptible to anger.
No one likes to be controlled. As soon as we could first talk, we said, “NO!” However, not all control is bad. We need structure and organization in order to function. It’s excessive or unhealthy control that can lead to anger.
So, now what? Perhaps you now recognize that you may have an issue with anger. (Or that may be something you've known for a long time.) It could be that your anger has created problems in your life. Perhaps there's been relational stress, or job issues, or some road rage. How do you control your anger so you can live a healthier life?
That's exactly what I'll be sharing next time. I'll give some really practical tools for managing your anger. Sorry you have to wait. Don't be angry. : )
In the meantime, we are always here for you at the Renewing Life Center, to help you with anger or anything else you may be dealing with!