Why Can I Forgive Everyone, But I Can’t Forgive Myself?

My husband, Vince, is a pastor who has taught a lot on the topic of forgiveness. Because so many struggle with it, I asked him to write a blog on forgiving yourself.

How Do I Forgive Myself?

A few years ago, at our church in Las Vegas we did a series on forgiveness. The first three weeks were on forgiving people who have hurt you, and they were wildly popular. Our attendance shot up each week. What surprised us was the fourth week; that’s when our attendance exploded. The fourth week was about forgiving yourself. Turns out people struggled to forgive others, but really struggled to forgive themselves.

An author named Brennan Manning tells of when he spent 28 days in a treatment program for alcoholics. One day they sat in a circle and everyone was encouraged to tell the whole truth, to themselves and the group, about the extent of their drinking. They went around the circle and everyone told the truth, except for a successful businessman named Max. He said, “I never really drank that much.” They told him, “You’re in an alcoholic treatment center. Tell the truth to yourself. Admit it.” He said, “I am being honest. I’ve never had that much to drink.” Later the group had to answer the question, “Have you ever hurt anybody while you were drunk?” Everyone around the circle told the truth until they got to Max, who said, “I would never hurt anyone, sober or drunk.”

The leader replied, “Max, we don’t believe you. We’re calling your wife.” He did, on a speakerphone for everyone to hear. Max’s wife answered and the leader asked, “Has Max ever mistreated you or any of your kids when he was drunk?” She said, “Just this last Christmas Eve he took our 9-year-old daughter shopping. On the way home, Max passed a bar and saw the cars of some of his buddies so he pulled in. It was a cold night, 12 degrees, with a high wind chill. He left the car running so the heater could stay on and told our daughter he’d be right back. He went into the bar and started drinking with his buddies. … He didn’t come out till midnight. The car had run out of gas and shut off. The windows had frozen and he was unable to open any of the doors. When the authorities came they opened the door and rushed our daughter to the hospital. She was so badly frostbitten that her thumb and forefinger had to be amputated. And her ears were so damaged by the cold that she'll be deaf for the rest of her life.” The group turned to Max, who had fallen off his chair and was convulsing on the floor.

Why? Because he was faced with the truth about himself. A truth he couldn’t handle, and so he had been living in denial. Living in a fantasy world because he felt like he could never forgive himself.

Perhaps you can relate. Maybe you:

·      Physically hurt someone in some way.

·      Walked out on your family.

·      Were involved in an accident that seriously injured someone.

·      Had an abortion when you were younger.

·      Found yourself wrapped up in an affair.

·      Went through a rebellious period in your teens, and know the damage it did to your parents.

·      Were in the military and can’t forget the things you saw and did.

·      Did someone wrong in a business deal and it ruined them financially.

You wonder: How do I forgive myself? What do I have to do to feel forgiven?

What Forgiveness Isn’t, And Is

To forgive other people, we need to understand what forgiveness isn’t, and what it is. To forgive ourselves, we need to understand those same things, and apply them to ourselves.

Forgiveness is not saying it wasn’t wrong. Part of the reason we won’t forgive ourselves is because we know what we did was wrong. It was bad. Yeah, it was. But you still need to forgive yourself. And when you do, you won’t be saying it wasn’t wrong.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. We can’t forget what we’ve done. Honestly, we’ll never forget. But we still need to forgive ourselves.

Forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t happen. We may not want to forgive other people because we think it means we’re letting them get away with it. It can be the same with ourselves. I know I deserve punishment for what I did, so I hang on to the awful feeling of what I’ve done, because I believe I shouldn’t just get away with it. But forgiveness is not pretending it didn’t happen, it’s not ignoring sin. It’s dealing with sin in love.

That’s some of what forgiveness is not. Let’s get clarity about what forgiveness is.

Forgiveness is releasing my hope for a better past. The truth is we can’t change the past, and, if we hold onto it, it can ruin our future. When we forgive – ourselves - it doesn’t change our past, but it can change our path.

You have a God who says, “You’ve beaten yourself up enough.” God wants you to move on. He’s giving you the gift of a better future, through giving you the gift of forgiveness of your sins. But when you say, “I know God has forgiven me, but I can’t forgive myself” not only will you stay stuck in the past, but you’re refusing to accept God’s gift of a better future, through refusing to accept His gift of your sins being forgiven.

Forgiveness is also releasing my right to retaliate. The Bible says, “Don’t repay evil for evil,” and Jesus taught, “You have heard it said, ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’ but I tell you to love your enemies and do good to those who hate you.” Guess what? Those verses apply to yourself as well.

You did something evil? Ok. But you have to stop thinking evil thoughts about yourself because of it. Don’t repay evil for evil. You need to stop hating yourself and beating yourself up.

Forgiveness also releases the power of Jesus into my life. God is asking you to forgive – yourself. He knows it’s not easy, so He’s offering to come alongside you and empower you to do what you need to do.

The Price Has to Be Paid

One reason it can be so hard to forgive ourselves is because we probably hurt another person. We may feel like we can’t forgive ourselves for the hurt that was done to someone else.

It is true that forgiveness always involves a cost. We’ve sinned. There’s a cost to sin. Someone has to pay. We’ve been making ourselves pay, by feeling miserable and hating ourselves. But Jesus has already paid the penalty of our sins on the cross. Jesus paid the cost.

What we need is someone outside ourselves who can take the penalty and the guilt of what we’ve done. That’s why we need Jesus. Because of what He did, God forgives us, and because God forgives us, we can forgive ourselves. The price has already been paid. And so, God tells us, “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).

You’re free from having to bear the guilt of what you’ve done.

A Life of Love

So, yes, you screwed up. (Welcome to the club!) You sinned, but are you really going to let that define you? Are you going to let it ruin your entire life?

We need to take our sins seriously, but our sins don’t define us. We’re not worthless because of our sins, and we’re not worthwhile because of the good we’ve done. Our worth is based on God’s love for us. The Bible says, “See what great love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are!” (1 John 3:1). You’re defined not by your sin, but by God’s love. And you need to forgive yourself, allowing your evil to be overcome by God’s love and moving forward into a life of love.

Counseling can help us to forgive ourselves. The staff at the Renewing Life Center is always here to help. Call the office at 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment.