How to Create a Strong Marriage, Part Two: Your Most Important Marriage Skill

What is the most important skill for creating a great marriage?

In the quirky-odd movie Napoleon Dynamite, Napoleon laments that he doesn’t have any good skills for relationships. Unfortunately, he thinks what he’s lacking is “nun-chuck skills, bow hunting skills and computer hacking skills… because girls only want boyfriends with great skills.” Obviously, these are not the top tier competencies needed for dating or for creating a great marriage. So, what is? What is the most important skill for creating a wonderful marriage?

In my last article, “How to Create a Strong Marriage,” I highlighted Dr. Gottman’s research for creating a strong foundation for your marriage. (I would recommend reading that article prior to this one by clicking here). His research shows that a strong emotional-friendship connection is the core foundation of a strong marriage. Interestingly, you probably came into your marriage with this strong emotional-friendship connection intact. It’s the reason you were willing to say, “I do.” But this foundation can crumble away in under two years if you do not develop the skill of resolving conflict. Most marriages struggling in the early years are in trouble because of the lack of skill in this area.

Conflict resolution is the most important skill in creating a great marriage. If you are not able to grow in your ability to talk through your differences and hurts, it will eventually trickle down through your marriage and erode the foundation of your emotional-friendship connection. Eventually, you just stop trying and the distance grows. When you do try, it can escalate and create relational damage. The number one predictor of divorce is not money issues, sex issues, or trust issues - it is the inability to resolve conflict. I call conflict resolution a skill because it is something a couple needs to learn. It does not come naturally. Similar to the first time you hit a golf ball, it doesn’t usually go the way you intend it to go. It takes practice. 

Here are some of the most important areas of growth to help us become better at the skill of resolving conflict: 

·      The ability to actively listen to your partner’s perspective (even when you disagree) and allow it to influence you. What they say does not need to change your perspective, but it is important to value and care about your partner’s perspective.

·      Create a sense of safety for your discussion in which you actively work to foster good dialogue about your differences and problems.

·      A strong desire to work for the common good of each partner in the marriage and to work together to always resolve the issue through compromise and creating win-wins.

·      Avoid criticism, defensiveness, stonewalling and contempt.

·      The ability to sooth yourself, stay calm and avoid escalation throughout a conflict resolution discussion. 

Next Steps:

How are you doing with conflict resolution skills in your relationship? If it goes well and you usually walk away with the sense that you were both heard, valued, cared about and you reached a good conclusion – congratulations. However, if either of you walk away from conflict feeling not heard, not valued, not cared about, or if the conversation tends to get escalated and hurtful, then I urge you to take steps to get help. This is changeable. It is a skill that can be learned.

We are available to help you grow in this area with counseling at the Renewing Life Center. Two books I would recommend for learning to deal with conflict better are:

·      The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by Dr. John Gottman

·      Fighting for Your Marriage by Markman and Stanley