How to Create a Strong Marriage

Have you ever wondered why some marriages seem to flourish while others seem to continually flounder?

Do you have a desire to make your own marriage stronger and more connected?

There is a wealth of research identifying the traits that make a marriage strong, resilient, and satisfying. This research is very consistent with the advice the Bible gives for creating a great marriage. I want to share three very important qualities needed to build a strong foundation for marriage. I will also give you a practical activity to strengthen each of these traits in your own marriage or relationship. 

A strong foundation for marriage

Research tells us that strong marriages have high levels of friendship and emotional connection at their foundation. Simply put, people in great marriages typically think of their spouse as a close and intimate friend. Marriage researcher John Gottman has identified three main components that foster a strong emotional-friendship connection.

1.    Intimate Knowledge. Spouses who are very emotionally connected as friends know each other especially well. They consistently show a keen interest in what is going on in their partner’s life. They are familiar with their mate’s dreams, goals, friends, foes, challenges, joys, etc. They share multiple points of connection. I have worked with many couples who are so busy they do not have much cognitive room for what is happening in their spouse’s life and as a result they have drifted into more separate and parallel lives. They may even feel lonely in their marriage. 

• A great activity to build this area of your marriage is an assignment I routinely give to couples called “couch time.” This is dedicating 20-30 minutes each evening after dinner to reconnect with your spouse after a long day. I encourage couples to make this a non-conflictual and enjoyable time which will hopefully grow to become your favorite part of the day. I suggest they retreat to their favorite place in the house or on their patio, grab a favorite beverage and take this short span of time to reconnect with each other. This consistent activity has amazing results in creating a strong connection.

2.    Fondness & Admiration. Spouses who have a strong emotional friendship bond will consistently see the good in their spouse and marriage and will share a healthy amount of fondness and admiration. They will see the good in their partner and verbally acknowledge it. Research suggests that strong marriages have a minimum of a 5 to 1 ratio of positive affirmations over negative remarks. Seeing the positive and “speaking it out” at a 5 to 1 ratio causes couples to look forward to being at home with each other. It creates a peaceful place to enjoy together. 

• Another fun assignment I routinely give couples to grow the area of fondness and admiration is what I call “the coin assignment.” I ask couples to start the day with five coins in their left pocket. Their goal is to move all of the coins to their right pocket. The way they move a coin is to notice something good and “speak it out.” To say things like “thank you,” “you look beautiful today,” “I appreciate the wonderful dinner,” etc. The coins act as a physical reminder to notice and verbalize the positive.

3.    Turn towards rather than away. Happy couples turn toward each other rather than staying separate. Dr. Gottman describes this as “bids for connection.” It’s a way to invite your spouse into your life. For example, if you step outside and see a beautiful sunset from your backyard you don’t need your spouse to join you in order to enjoy the view. You can enjoy it all on your own. But, if you call to your spouse, “Hey, come outside and see this with me” it is a bid for connection. You are inviting your spouse to join you in something enjoyable or meaningful. When you include your spouse in the things you are thinking, enjoying, or noticing… you are creating a strong emotional-friendship foundation. 

• The assignment I give for this activity is to try to be especially mindful when your spouse is turning towards you with a bid for connection and be willing to accept their bid. If your husband says, “Hey, look at that car!” and you reply, “You know I don’t care about cars,” it’s what Dr. Gottman calls, “a failed bid for connection.” His research suggests your spouse will stop trying to connect with you if their bids are often rejected.

These three traits are important in building a strong foundation in your marriage. If these qualities are present in your marriage, congratulations! I would encourage you to continue to strengthen your foundation by picking one of these assignments to try. But if these traits have been eroded in your marriage because of unresolved conflict and marital stress, I would encourage you to seek counseling to get your marriage back on track. We are always here to help you and your marriage.