Forgiveness: What It Isn’t
“I refuse to forgive.”
“But you’re drowning in bitterness. Forgiveness can set you free.”
“That may be true but … I can’t.”
Why? Why do people refuse to forgive?
This is my second of three blogs on forgiveness. If you missed the first one you can click here to read it.
There is so much confusion surrounding the topic of forgiveness. As a therapist it’s something I help my clients with on a regular basis. Do I have to forgive? Am I forgiven? How can I possibly forgive that? Everyone has their own ideas of what forgiveness is, but some of our ideas aren’t correct. In fact, it’s those wrong understandings of forgiveness that lead many to refuse to forgive. So, maybe before we seek to understand what forgiveness is, it would be helpful to start with what forgiveness is not.
Forgiveness is not forgetting. You’ve heard, “Just forgive and forget,” but let’s be honest, we can’t erase memories from our minds. We aren’t robots; we don’t work like that. Trying to forget is like trying to hold a ball under water in a swimming pool. It’s going to pop back up and hit you in the face. Nothing is solved by trying to bury things. If you try to forget, without forgiving, those bitter feelings will pop back up in your life.
Forgiveness is not silent. You’ve heard, “Time heals all wounds.” That sounds great; it just isn’t true. Forgiveness isn’t waiting patiently to stop hurting and it’s not waiting for the other person to say, “I’m sorry.”
Forgiveness is not kiss and makeup. Have you ever had conflict with someone but then one day you both started acting like nothing ever happened? You might feel like all was forgiven, but no. Forgiveness is not sweeping the problem under the carpet and acting like everything is fine. Ignoring the problem isn’t forgiveness.
Forgiveness is not just saying the words, “I forgive you”. Most of us learned this wrong idea from our parents. If you had siblings, my guess is you didn’t get along all the time. Did your mom or dad ever make you apologize? Were you ever forced to say, “I’m sorry” even though you didn’t mean it? You can’t force someone to apologize; forgiveness is more than just saying the words.
Forgiveness is not saying what happened was ok. Some refuse to forgive because what happened to them was wrong. But forgiving is not saying it wasn’t wrong. It was. But you still need to forgive in order to heal and move forward.
Forgiveness is not reconciliation. Restoring the relationship with the person who hurt you is ideal, but not always possible. I am not encouraging you to put yourself in a dangerous situation where you will be victimized again, but I am encouraging you to forgive. And you can do the latter without the former.
That’s some of what forgiveness is not. But what is forgiveness? And why is it so important for you to do it? That’s next time!
If you need help on your journey of forgiveness, reach out to us at the Renewing Life Center. We have a team of compassionate counselors who would love to walk with you!
Jennifer Antonucci, M.A., LMFT, LCADC