Creating Compatibility
“I don’t think we’re compatible with each other.”
It’s a familiar statement I have often heard couples say in counseling. This statement has many versions, “We don’t fit together,” “We are just not a good match,” “We’ve just grown apart” and on it goes.
You may feel this way in your own relationship from time to time. I think most couples experience seasons where they feel out of sync and less compatible.
I respect the honesty of couples who come into counseling and are willing to say, “We are struggling. We are not fitting together well.” It takes courage to admit there are problems and take steps in counseling to fix them.
BUT ... what I don’t like about the phrase, “We are not compatible” is the more passive conclusion that there is nothing we can do about it. In other words, “We would like to have a good marriage, but we are powerless to fix things because we are incompatible.” Incompatibility is too often seen as irreparable, out of our control, and a reason to give up.
I often tell couples in my office, “People are not naturally compatible with one another, we must create compatibility.” Think about all the differences that often get thrown into the mix when a couple comes together. Different families of origin, backgrounds, education, gender, personalities, strengths, weaknesses, ways of doing things, love languages, likes and dislikes, and the list goes on. To top it off, we live in a fallen world where the core of our basic sin nature is selfishness and self-centeredness. So ... when a couple comes together, it is true that they are NOT naturally compatible.
To have a good relationship or marriage requires effort and sacrifice. We need to work hard together to create compatibility. This type of thinking is empowering because it emphasizes the personal responsibility to create a good marriage rather than feeling helpless because we are incompatible. This point is made crystal clear in a piece called “The Marriage Box” written by Dr. Walt and Barb Larimore in their book His Brain, Her Brain. Here is an excerpt:
The Marriage Box
“Most people get married believing a myth – that marriage is a beautiful box full of all the things we have longed for: Companionship, sexual fulfillment, intimacy, friendship.
We believe that marriage is the key to this box. We can take from it as much as we want, and somehow it mysteriously remains full.
The truth is that marriage, at the start, is an empty box. You must put something in before you can take anything out. If you do not put into the box more than you take out, it becomes empty.
There is not love in marriage; love is in people, and people put it into the marriage.
Romance, consideration, generosity aren’t in marriage; they are in people and people put them in the marriage box.
A couple must learn the art and form the habit of giving, loving, serving, praising – keeping the box full.”
The truth is you are the creator of the relationship you live in. I am not saying there are never extenuating circumstances or outside factors, but most of the time, what you are experiencing in your relationship or marriage is directly related to what you are investing into it. The good news is this means you can change your marriage by investing something different. You are not helplessly stuck because of incompatibility. You have the power to create compatibility!
If you need help investing differently and improving your marriage, the staff at Renewing Life are here to help you. Just call the office at 702-434-7290. You can also attend our online marriage class on March 2nd and 9th. It’s designed to help improve your communication. Click here to learn more and register.
Mark Whelchel, M.S., LMFT