What Do You Do When It’s Not Your Fault?

What do you do when it’s not your fault?

That’s a question many of us have probably asked at one point or another.

·      Do we blame the other person?

·      Do we look for ways to hurt the other person the same way they hurt us?

·      Do we become angry, bitter, outraged?

Or do we look to God and allow him to totally heal our hearts?

I want to ask you to think about forgiveness.

When we walk in forgiveness, we weaken the strength, negative belief and magnitude of unforgiveness. By doing so, we are intentionally taking control of a situation or circumstances that would otherwise cause us harm.

The choice is totally up to us. In many cases, it can be very difficult to even consider forgiving. But we should. Studies tells us there are 5 healthy benefits of forgiveness:

1.  Reduces negative affect.

2.  Promotes positive affect.

3.  Provides freedom.

4.  Heals Individuals.

5.  Heals Relationships.

In his model prayer, Jesus tells us we should pray, “And forgive us our debt, as we forgive our debtors” (Matthew 6:12).

The passing of my mom was shocking. I could not believe nor did I want to accept that she would not be a part of my life or my children’s lives any more.  My body was numb. I felt like a zombie. It was one of the most awkward feelings I’ve ever experienced. After a few weeks the zombie state wore off and my whole childhood began to resurface in my mind. Your mom didn’t give you what you needed while she was here and now that she’s gone you will never get it. How dare she! 

I became bitter and angry to the point of despising her. Why did she do this to me? I didn’t ask to be her child, nor did I ask to be here. For the life of me I could not understand why I cared so much for someone who at times made me feel unloved and unwanted. Why at times did it seem that she was the child and I was the parent? And why would you have a child by a man who obviously did not one either? This is your fault! You chose this life, not me! All I wanted from you is love and to be loved.

One day while talking to an older cousin, she softly said, “We lost your mom when her mother passed. Since then was not the same.” Hearing those words allowed compassion to overwhelm my heart. In my spirit I felt the Lord say to me, “Your mom may have not been what you wanted her to be, but she was the best that she knew how to be, given her own circumstances.”

In that moment, I knew I had to turn my pain, sorrow, heartache, and anger over to Him. I decided that day to walk in peace by allowing forgiveness to overtake my heart. Now when I think of my mom, I think of how proud she would probably be of me, her grandchildren and great grandchildren.

In mental health, Positive Psychology suggests an intervention called the REACH Model (Worthington, 2001). This model explains 5 steps to forgiveness you may find helpful.

Steps:

1.  Recall (R) the incident.

2.  Show Empathy (E) toward your offender.

3.  Think of forgiveness as an altruistic (A) gift to the offender.

4.  Be committed (C) to the process of forgiving.

5.  Lastly, Hold (H) on to forgiveness not matter what (Akhtar & Barlow, 2018). 

A book that I at times recommend to my clients who struggle with forgiveness is “Forgiving What You Can’t Forget” by Lysa TerKeurst.

I also share biblical passages with those who are seeking God’s will and perspective related to forgiveness.

If you are struggling to forgive those who hurt you please feel free to contact our office today. We would love to help you see what God says about letting go of your bitterness and walk with you through the steps of forgiveness.

Lawana Chapman, LMFT Intern