Try this in Your Marriage

Are you up for a challenge? Try making this one simple change in your marriage and see the difference it can make. This change will usually increase the feelings of connectedness, engagement and cooperation for both you and your spouse. 

Here is the challenge; I want you to change how you approach your spouse when you feel let down, hurt or disappointed. Our typical response when we feel hurt or disappointed by our spouse is to become critical. But this makes matters worse! Criticism rarely gets the response we desire.

The helpful research of Dr. John Gottman identifies “criticism”, or what I refer to as a “critical complaint”, as one of four communication patterns proven to be disastrous for a marriage. His research shows we respond negatively (and often defensively) when we are on the receiving end of a critical complaint. Hearing a statement like, “you are being a selfish jerk!” doesn’t usually lead to a motivation to change or a longing to connect and repair. Instead, criticism brings up feelings of shame and will push spouses apart from one another.

So what is the alternative? If you are unhappy with something in your marriage, what can you do to fix it? How do you constructively create change? You proactively and lovingly ask for what you need or want. I often tell couples in my office that proactively and lovingly asking for what you need or want is always more effective than criticizing what you are not getting. Here is the challenge I give them: the next time you feel frustrated or upset because your spouse has let you down, ask yourself; have I clearly and lovingly communicated what I want or need? If the answer is no, then take a moment and ask. A proactive and loving request will almost always be more effective than getting frustrated and resorting to criticism and complaint.

Here are some examples of the difference between critical complaint and proactive request:

Critical complaint: How come you never want to spend time with me? You spend all your time with your friends and I get put on the back burner.

Proactive request: I have been feeling lonely lately, how about tonight we sit out back and talk for a while, or maybe we can plan a date for Friday night?

Critical complaint: Am I your slave now? How come you never help with the dishes?

Positive request: I would love some help with the dishes tonight. Would you please give me a hand and we can do them together?

Critical complaint: I guess you have zero interest in helping the kids with their homework tonight. Like everything else, I suppose this is my job to do.

Positive request: I would love it if you would help the kids with their homework tonight.

When you see these examples, which would be more motivating to you? How would you prefer to be approached by your spouse? Critical complaint brings feelings of shame and tends to close us off. But a positive request is like your spouse showing you; “here’s how you can make my night and be a great spouse.” I often tell couples; it is like giving your spouse “low hanging fruit”, showing them something simple they can do to create positive connection. 

We will never get everything we ask for no matter how we approach our spouse.  Marriage is always made up of two flawed people who can get tired and selfish. We let each other down from time to time.  This is a normal part of marriage ingeniously used by God to grow us into better people. No, the point of this challenge is to change our approach for the better and tilt the odds in favor of creating connection rather than distance.

So here is the challenge. The next time you are feeling frustrated or angry with your spouse, ask yourself; have I clearly and lovingly asked for what I need or want? Give this a try for 30 days. Do your best to stop critical complaints and replace them with proactive and loving requests. Become a researcher in your own marriage and see if this change makes a positive difference.