The Secret Sauce to Resolving Marriage Conflict

Ever feel like your attempts to resolve conflict in your marriage are not working?

Even with great intentions to get to a helpful and peaceful resolution, you can feel greater anger and distance after the conversation than before. When this happens regularly, many couples start to avoid conflict altogether. They say to themselves, “It’s just not worth it. Every time I try to talk about a problem it turns into a major battle.” The decision to avoid can seem more peaceful but it ultimately leads to distance and loneliness. The connection with our spouse suffers when we stop talking about things that are important to us. 

How do we do better? What is the secret sauce for resolving conflict with your spouse? It turns out there is one major key that helps conflict with your spouse get to a healthy resolution. If you want to greatly increase the odds that you will reach a healthy resolution with your spouse, the most important factor is … to keep the conversation from escalating. Research clearly shows that when one or both partners get escalated or emotionally overwhelmed, the chance of reaching a healthy resolution is almost non-existent. When your brain gets flooded with adrenaline and cortisol and your heart rate increases beyond 100 bpm you begin to lose your ability to think clearly, words often become hurtful, and the “fight or flight” conversation deteriorates quickly.   

The crucial key is remaining calm, listening well and staying engaged in a healthy manner. Here are several tools to help you do this:

1. Never begin a conversation to resolve conflict when you are angry. If you are angry in the moment, take the time to calm down before you begin. Try to assess the other emotions you are feeling, figure out what’s really wrong, think through how it can be repaired and do your best to approach the topic with your spouse in a softer and more solution-focused manner.

2. Make sure your partner is ready to talk. Tell your partner that you want to talk through a problem with him or her and ask if this is this a good time to talk. Conflict should never come out of left field or be a surprise. Talking through conflict is a difficult marital task, so it is important that you are both ready for it.

3. Commit to using conversational tone. Make a commitment with your spouse to resolve issues without raising the volume and intensity. As volume and intensity go up, the chance of resolution goes down. I have worked with hundreds of couples whose conflicts usually led to yelling. They’re all quick to admit it was entirely ineffective. If conflict in your marriage usually leads to escalation and yelling, a commitment to conversational tone can be an absolute game changer for you. Why not try it?

4. Take a break if you or your spouse get flooded. Sometimes, even when we try to start soft and make sure our partner is ready to talk and have a commitment to keep the volume at a conversational level, we can still end up getting escalated. When this happens, the best course of action is to take a break. Taking breaks works best when you’ve decided in advance to use this as a tool. It’s even more helpful if you have defined the guidelines of taking a break in advance. Here are some guidelines to consider:

·      If you need a break, ask for one.

·      If your partner asks for a break, it is important to say yes and take a break. 

·      The break should be for a specific time frame you have decided in advance (usually about an hour). 

·      You are both responsible to always come back to the conversation after the break.

·      Use your break to get yourself calm, not to build your case. Do things that help you get calm like listen to music, pray, take a walk, etc.

Escalation will always get in the way of good communication and conflict resolution. One of my favorite Bible verses on handling conflict comes from the book of James, which says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” If this does not describe you and your marriage, the Renewing Life Center is here to help you. Resolving conflict is a learned skill and your growth in this area may be the most important investment you ever make in your marriage.