“To show empathy towards your spouse aligns with God’s call to love and care for others.”
Allow me to invite you to listen in on a real-life conversation I have heard in my counseling office hundreds of times. As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I work with many couples, and this is a very common conversation I hear between them. The specific wording and details may vary between couples, but the overall conversation is amazingly similar. It goes something like this…
The Typical Response
One spouse decides to discuss a hurt or a problem with their partner. They share their thoughts and feelings with their spouse by saying something like;
“I have been feeling very disconnected from you, it seems like we never make time for ‘us’ anymore. I wish you would be more proactive about creating opportunities for us to connect. I am feeling lonely in our marriage.”
This discussion can be about any topic the spouse perceives as a problem. It may be about parenting, money, their sexual relationship, roles, housework, in-laws, etc. The main point is that one spouse is sharing with the other a concern about something that has been bothering or hurting them. They are essentially lodging a complaint and are usually hopeful for finding a solution or making some improvement.
That’s the first half of the conversation.
The second half of the conversation is how their spouse responds. The responses I typically hear (and again, they are remarkably similar between couples) fall into one of four categories:
- Defensive: “You know I am super busy; you can’t expect me to always be thinking about how to have ‘us’ time. With work and kids and your family always around, I don’t think you’re being realistic. You know I am doing the best I can.”
- Counterattack: “Like you’re one to talk. I come home and you are always exhausted and in a foul mood. Trying to get close to you is like trying to get close to a porcupine. Besides, I don’t see you trying to create any ‘us’ time.”
- Minimizing: “This is just a stage of life in our marriage. It will pass. Most of our married friends are in a similar boat. It is normal to not have as much ‘us’ time when the kids are small.”
- Martyr: “OK. I guess I will add this to the list of everything else I do for you.” (Eye roll). “It’s amazing to me that with everything I do for you and the family that you are going to complain to me about not making enough ‘us’ time.”
The result of any one of these four responses is the same. Greater distance and hurt, and the likelihood of an escalation in conflict. But there is another option.
The Best Response
The best response when your spouse is upset or hurt is to give them an empathetic response. Empathy normally erases distance and creates connection, which can be a tremendous help when your partner is hurt or upset. A simple definition of empathy is “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”
Some good examples of empathetic response in this scenario could be;
- “I can see that you are upset right now, it hurts me to hear you feel lonely in our marriage. What can I do, or what can we do, to make this better?”
- “I am so sorry you are feeling disconnected and lonely in our marriage. I care about you, and I want to work with you on how we can create more ‘us’ time.”
- “I want you to know that what you are saying is very important to me. I am very committed to figuring out how we can have a more connected marriage.”
Any one of these empathetic responses would help create connection and move the conversation towards positive change and healing.
God’s Call
The Bible encourages us to have empathy towards one another, especially our spouse and family. It encourages each of us to be gentle and thoughtful in our words, to celebrate with those who are joyful, to comfort those in sorrow, and to build each other up. To show empathy towards your spouse aligns with God’s call to love and care for others. How are you doing with the empathy skill in your life and marriage?
The counselors at the Renewing Life Center are always here to help. Feel free to call our office at (702) 434-7290 to book an appointment.