The Aging Parent Handbook
I just finished washing my 74-year-old mother’s hair in the sink. She had emergency surgery a few days ago after she fell and broke her elbow in half. My dad passed away in January 2020, leaving my mom to fend for herself after almost 52 years of marriage. Since my dad’s death, mom had a stroke, open heart surgery, and lost 4 cats to various illnesses. (Yes, four! Four of six! My mom is a cat lady!) Add to all that, this month she moved from living in North Carolina to New Jersey.
Many of my clients and friends are dealing with very similar situations. For many of us in our 40s and 50s, we are helping launch our children into the world and are looking forward to living the empty nest dream everyone talks about. But … we find ourselves having to take on the responsibility of caring for our aging parents.
I’m often asked if there’s a handbook for dealing with aging parent issues. I wish because I’d love to read it. So much of my journey has been trial and error, but here are some things I’m learning along the way.
1. Spend as much time as you can with them. You’ll never regret time together.
2. Make sacrifices for your parents just as they made sacrifices for you. Whether it’s traveling across the country to see them or simply taking them to the grocery store, help care for them.
3. Have conversations with them about future planning (healthcare, estate management, end of life wishes, etc.) well before you think you should. These are difficult but vital conversations.
4. Be kind, considerate and respectful. It’s ok to be frustrated or scared but remember to esteem and value them as people.
5. Set up healthy boundaries so that you can maintain your own individuality while meeting and caring for your parents.
6. Dementia, Alzheimer’s, or Parkinson’s often have traits of “aging backwards”. Do NOT try and speak logically with your parent when they exhibit these tendencies (think, if this were my 4-year-old, would it make sense to argue with them?).
7. Get support. My best friend and I are both dealing with complicated situations regarding our parents. We talk openly and honestly about our hurts, we ask for prayer, and we support each other in this journey.
8. Don’t do it all alone. Get help with the financial or legal stuff, or anything that’s out of your scope.
9. Some helpful websites: Family Caregiver Alliance (FCA), Caregiver Action Network (CAN), American Association of Retired People (AARP), Alzheimer’s Association, CaringInfo.
If you have complicated emotions around your parents, seek professional counseling to help process those issues in a healthy way. We’re here for you at the Renewing Life to help you with that! Click here to schedule an appointment.