Take a Time Out: The Crucial Role of Emotional Regulation in Marital Conflicts
How do you have a constructive conflict discussion with your spouse? There are certainly many factors, and this article will discuss one of the most important: emotional regulation. Without it, your conflict discussion is pretty much doomed.
Think of it this way, would you make a bet on something that only had a .04% chance of succeeding and a 99.6% chance of failing. Did you know research tells us when we are trying to resolve a conflict with our spouse, and one or both of us get flooded or angry, the conflict has a 99.6% chance of not getting resolved and a high likelihood of becoming hurtful? I think we would all agree these are horrible odds!
In the intricate dance of marriage, conflicts are an inevitable part of the journey. I believe healthy conflict is essential to building an intimate marriage as it is a window into each partner’s genuine thoughts, beliefs, wants and desires. However, the way couples navigate these conflicts determines the trajectory of their relationship. Emotional regulation emerges as a linchpin, offering the tools necessary to weather the storms of disagreements with grace and understanding. By cultivating this essential skill, couples not only preserve the sanctity of their union but also foster a deeper, more meaningful connection that stands the test of time.
So, what is emotional regulation? Emotional regulation is the ability to recognize, understand, and manage one's own emotions in a constructive way. In the context of marital conflicts, it involves maintaining control over intense emotional reactions and responding in a thoughtful, measured manner. This skill is particularly crucial because conflicts can trigger powerful emotions such as anger, frustration, and sadness. When disagreements arise, emotions can escalate rapidly if not managed effectively.
How skilled are you at managing your emotions during conflict? How about your spouse? In the remaining part of this article, I am going to give you several tools that are helpful in regulating your emotions during conflict. Much of the information about these tools and emotional regulation come from the research of Dr. John Gottman. For more information and tools, I recommend his book, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work.
1. Start calm.
Most people can easily tell the difference between a calm versus a harsh start up. Research indicates a conversation which begins harshly has a high likelihood of escalating quickly. However, a soft start up is more likely to lead to a calmer and more productive conversation. My counsel to couples is to never begin a conversation when angry. I encourage a couple to take the time to make certain they are calm and can envision a productive conversation before they begin.
2. Set up a purposeful conversation with your spouse.
Having a good conversation to resolve a conflict should never be a surprise to your spouse or something that just pops up out of the blue. Handling conflict well is one of the harder things we do in marriage, so it is best to make sure both you and your spouse are ready to have the conversation. When something needs to be resolved, it is best to find a time that works for both of you and then approach the topic in a purposeful, calm, and productive manner.
3. Use conversational tone.
This one has a simple formula. As volume and tone go up, the chance of resolve goes down. Simply put, yelling, and increasing the emotional intensity doesn’t work. I often encourage couples to make a resolution to no longer allow themselves to yell at one another when they're trying to resolve a problem. Most couples know from experience that emotional escalation is counterproductive to solving problems with one another.
4. Take a time out.
Sometimes, even when you are starting soft, having a purposeful conversation, and doing your best to keep things at a conversational tone – things may still get escalated. When this happens, it is best to take a time out for about an hour and then revisit the conversation. Remember, continuing the conversation while escalated is almost certainly doomed to fail. Instead, take a break, allow your brain and body to calm down and revisit the conversation in a better frame of mind. There are some good guidelines and tools for taking effective timeouts that can be established in counseling.
These tools are certain to help. The Bible reinforces the importance of emotional regulation. Proverbs says, “a fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11). My favorite communication advice is found in James 1:19-20, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, for man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires.”
If you and your spouse would like some help in your communication patterns, the staff at the Renewing Life Center is here to help you. Feel free to call our office at 702-434-7290.
Mark Whelchel, M.S., LMFT