Small Things Often
Building a strong marriage can be one of life’s most rewarding pursuits, but it can also be very challenging. I have never counseled a couple who described their marriage with the fairy tale phrase, “and we lived happily ever after.” Creating a good marriage is hard work. A healthy marriage is always the result of the positive deposits we invest in our spouse and our relationship. I often tell couples in my office, “What you are experiencing in your marriage is a direct result of what you are investing into it.”
Want some good news?
There are little things you can do to improve your marriage and keep the love and connection strong. Research has shown that it’s not the big grand gestures that matter as much as the small, consistent, daily deposits and habits that create a strong and vibrant marriage.
My favorite marriage researcher, Dr. John Gottman has run weekend programs to help strengthen couples. Each day they focus on a different topic.
· Day one focuses on small consistent actions that foster a strong emotional-friendship connection.
· Day two trains couples in effective communication and conflict resolution.
In one study, they decided to see what would happen if one group only received the communication training, and the other group only participated in the training to increase their emotional-friendship connection. At the one year follow up, they found that the group focusing on the daily deposits had the greatest benefit and growth. His research shows “doing small things often” is very important for building great marriages.
What kind of deposits make a real difference? Keep reading:
1. Take the time to know your partner. Dr Gottman calls this “building strong love maps.” Your spouse is always changing, you don’t stay the same over time, and it is important to stay open and curious about what is going on in your partner’s world. It is important to make time for each other, whether it’s a conversation on the couch, a date night, or a walk around the block. Make a commitment to spend quality time together on a regular basis and stick to it.
2. Encouragement and Appreciation. It’s easy to take your partner for granted, especially when you’ve been together for a while. But expressing gratitude for the little things they do can make a big difference. Say thank you when they make you a cup of tea or clean the house. Complement them on their appearance or something they’ve done that you appreciate. Small gestures of appreciation can go a long way in making your partner feel valued.
3. Physical affection. Physical touch is a powerful way to connect with your partner. Holding hands, hugging, or cuddling, can release oxytocin, the “love hormone,” which can strengthen your bond. Make a conscious effort to show physical affection every day, even if it’s just a quick hug or a kiss. Better yet, surprise your spouse with a longer hug or kiss. The difference in connection between a half second kiss and a four second kiss, is much more than 3 ½ seconds.
4. Include your partner. Regularly include your partner in the things you are thinking and experiencing. Dr. Gottman calls this “turning towards rather than away.” You can enjoy things all on your own, but when you invite your spouse to come out back to see the sunset, or to look at something funny that you just paused on TV, you are including them in your life. In today’s fast-paced world, it’s easy to get caught up with work and other responsibilities, leaving little time for your partner. But it is important for each spouse to get out of their own lane and include their partner. Dr. Gottman notes that in healthy marriages there are dozens of these little “bids for attention” occurring every day.
The important takeaway is the necessity of developing good habits that enable you to regularly connect and appreciate your spouse. You don’t need to announce your love on the outfield scoreboard, hire a pilot to sky-write a love message, or show up outside your spouse’s window with a boom-box raised over your head ... it really is the habit of “small things often” that will make the greatest impact in your marriage.
If you need help with your marriage, we are here to serve you. Call our office at 702 434-7290 and the staff at our front desk would be happy to get you scheduled with one of our counselors.
Mark Whelchel, M.S., LMFT