Rebuilding Trust in Marriage
There is a saying, “It takes years to build trust in a relationship but only a few seconds to break it.” As a therapist, I have worked with many couples whose relational trust has been significantly damaged. Many behaviors can erode or sever trust, such as lies, inappropriate relationships, pornography use, hiding addictive behaviors, withholding important information, secret spending, etc. Whenever a breach of trust occurs, it creates a significant negative impact because trust is foundational to all good relationships. Without trust, marriages suffer and struggle.
So, here is the big question: How is the trust factor in your marriage or relationship?
The good news is trust can be rebuilt over time. Trust is on a spectrum that can move from very low to very high, and there are specific positive steps we can take to move the trust meter in the positive direction. However, this is a slow process, and it is common for people to grow impatient. When counseling a couple where trust has been damaged, it is not unusual to hear the offending party implore their spouse, “Please, you just need to trust me.” But we need to understand that trust is not a cognitive decision our spouse can make; it is more of an intuitive, gut sense they come to over time. Trust is typically rebuilt over time as each spouse speaks and acts in a trustworthy manner.
When trust is high, both spouses usually feel a strong sense that my partner is there for me, they have my back if I need them - they will come through, my needs are important to them, they are reliable, and I can take them at their word. Again, this intuitive sense of trust towards our partner is foundational to a good marriage. It is a worthy goal which deserves our time and attention. If the trust in your relationship needs improvement, I want to give you several concrete examples of how to repair the trust.
Truthfulness: Do everything you can to be an open book, do not withhold information, but rather give your spouse more information than they desire. Make certain that everything you say is true and accurate.
Transparency: Share all your passwords, leave your phone and computer in the open, install the location tracker on your phone, invite your spouse to check if they are worried. Remind yourself that every time your spouse checks up and sees nothing of concern it moves the trust in the right direction. As trust is built, the “checking up” will naturally diminish.
Reliability: If you say you will do something (no matter how small) be sure to follow through on your word.
Integrity: Always be the same person no matter where you are.
Consistency & Commitment: Help your spouse know their needs are very important to you, you have their back, and you will not give up on them or your marriage.
Fidelity: Demonstrate that you desire to be faithful to your vows by setting and upholding good boundaries to protect your relational and sexual integrity.
Again, the good news is that trust can be rebuilt. This list shows that there are many practical steps you can take to rebuild trust. It takes time, persistence, and patience, but it can be done, and it is worth it!
If you need help with rebuilding trust in your relationship, the counselors at Renewing Life Center are here to help you. Call today (702) 434-7290 to make an appointment.
Mark Whelchel, M.S., LMFT