Much Ado About Loneliness
The year is in the last quarter, and the holidays are upon us. Activities and gatherings are being planned, which brings the usual stress, exhaustion, excitement, and fun. For many of us, it brings a fresh escalation of loneliness.
The ache of loneliness is not unfamiliar to most of us. We live in a culture that communicates through devices and discourages community to the degree that many of us don’t even know our neighbors. Technology is a poor substitute for personal interaction. We can get so busy with daily life that we don't nurture the relationships that fulfill us.
Personally, this topic hits home as I head into the third holiday season since the loss of my husband. Adjusting to new circumstances can feel positive but still have an emptiness component. Whether you are coping with the loss of a loved one, divorce, breakup, or any other distancing from a relationships you value, the struggle is real, as are the feelings of loneliness.
We were created in God’s image, which means we were created for relationship. Introverts and extroverts crave connection because we were made that way. God wants a relationship with us and designed us to find satisfaction in relationships with each other. It’s a void we were made to fill.
Understanding that there is a theological paradigm to loneliness can change our perspectives. Loneliness is not the opposite of fulfillment in relationships; it's the lack of it. In a way, feeling lonely is a backhanded compliment to the enjoyment that designed us to experience in our relationships with Him and each other.
I have found I tell myself two things that get in the way of my coping in a healthy way.
One is that there is something wrong with me. That is not helpful and not true. Self-reflection is a wonderful thing, but labeling a circumstance with negative self-talk only makes it worse. Most of the time, we are adjusting to relational change.
I recently attended a conference where the lecturer gave an example of a man telling his counselor he couldn't enjoy his time alone because he worried what people would think. He stated that if he went alone to a restaurant he liked, people would find him pathetic and think he was lonely. The counselor asked him if he would think that about him if he saw him eating alone. The man said he wouldn't think so. The counselor told him he frequently eats alone on road trips. Finally, the man recognized he was judging himself more critically than he would judge others.
The second misbelief is that nothing positive can come from seasons of loneliness. No one enjoys seasons of loneliness, but they often present an opportunity to renew our minds and perspectives. Changing our thoughts and actions about loneliness will change our feelings about it. It isn’t true, for example, that having another person around you at all times will prevent you from being lonely. Many people force themselves into unhealthy relationships by following that train of thought.
Feeling lonely is painful. Finding new connections with God and others in new and more profound ways can bring purpose and healing in unforeseen and unimaginable ways. It is a sometimes a marathon and not a sprint, but remembering that we can reach out to others and to God starts us down the path of healing.
If you are wrestling with feelings of loneliness, the Renewing Life Center counselors can support and encourage you. Call 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment.
Diane Vogelzang, M.A., LCPC