Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Does it feel to you like the world has gone crazy? It has been a confusing, scary and intense year.

During this challenging time, it’s especially important to care for our children. They don’t understand everything going on. They are so impressionable. Things can impact them deeply. Whether you are a parent, grandparent or caretaker, you need to protect your kids amidst the chaos.

That might sound intimidating. You might think you don’t have all the answers for all the questions on their mind. Good news: You don’t have to. Sure, as a parent you sometimes have to be a teacher or a counselor, but even more, you are a mirror.

Before moving to Las Vegas, we lived in Virginia Beach, Virginia.  Due to the climate, we had repeated problems with ant infestations in our home. I’m going to be honest: I didn’t handle it well. It’s not that I am afraid of hordes of ants (well, maybe a little); it’s that I found it so frustrating. After five or ten times I started losing my ever-loving mind. I would see ants and start screaming, “Noooo!!! Why?!?! I’m going to lose it!!” and I would run for my can of Raid. My 3-year-old son would see me freak out. He didn’t understand frustration and misinterpreted it as fear. Because he thought I was afraid of the ants, he became afraid of the ants. When he saw ants in the house, he would start screaming, “Noooo!” and running – not to get a can of Raid – but to get away from the ants.

My son mirrored my behavior. He mirrored what he believed were my emotions. That’s what kids tend to do. They mirror the important adults in their lives. So, more essential than you being able to teach them the ins and outs of a viral pandemic, or counsel them on race relationships in our nation, you need to provide a calm, reassuring presence. They will see the peace you have in your life, and it will help them to have peace even in these chaotic times.

I’ll answer the big question you may be asking in a minute, but before I do that, a few other thoughts to help you help your kids.

Look for signs of stress in your kids. What might they be?

·      Babies and toddlers will be crankier and more irritable than normal, and their sleep schedules may be impacted.

·      Three to six-year-olds may regress and start wetting the bed or throwing temper tantrums more regularly. They may also experience separation anxiety.

·      Seven to ten-year-olds may have trouble concentrating, and express anger or fear. 

·      Pre-teens and teens may act out, isolate or fight more with their family and friends. Also, beware that stressed out pre-teens and teens can turn to substance use to self-medicate.

If your kids seem worried, or even if they don’t, it will help if you:

·      Check in on them regularly.

·      Have empathy for how they’re feeling.

·      Limit the amount of news they are watching/hearing. 

·      Let them grieve the loss of opportunities like graduation, sports and time with friends.

·      Reassure them.

·      Be calm and positive.

·      Spend time with them.

·      Have fun together.

·      Maintain some of your normal routine and structure. 

All of that should help, but remember, more than anything what will impact how they process everything going on will be how they see you processing everything going on. And that leads to the big question: What if you’re struggling? What if the example you are setting is less than perfect?

Well, it will help you to know that children aren’t looking for perfection. You need to have peace, not perfection. Your kids are looking for calm more than competence.

If you are struggling to handle all the chaos in the world and in your life, you might be relieved to know the answer is not found in you; it’s found in God. Look what Paul writes to people who were trying not to freak out. “Let your gentleness be evident to all. The Lord is near. Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus”  (Philippians 4:5-7).

How can you show others, especially your kids, a gentle, calm demeanor? You realize that the Lord is near. How can you not be overcome by anxiety? You pray to the Lord who is near. If you do that, what happens? God’s peace changes how you understand things and guards your heart and mind. Turn to God and let him transform the example you’re setting for your kids.

And … if you need more help, if you’re thinking, “I have prayed but I’m still struggling!” get some help. At the Renewing Life Center, we are here to help you deal with your stuff so you can learn how to have peace in a pandemic and calm even in the chaos. Get help for you, if you need it. And get help for your kids, because they are watching, and they will mirror your emotions and behavior.