Listening: The Key to Changing Your Relationships For the Better

As a Marriage and Family Therapist, I have the privilege of listening to clients as they allow me into their lives with their stories. Listening is the most important part of my job. In fact, the first college class of any mental health professional is focused on active listening skills.  It’s not always easy and it takes self-discipline. You might think as a professional listener I would have no problems listening carefully in my private life. Unfortunately, I often have to remind myself to pay attention and fight the enemies of good listening, which include intrusive thoughts, distractions, the need to fix, defensiveness and stating my opinion. 

In a world where there is so much noise and everyone wants to be the center of attention, good listening skills are rare. To be a good listener, we have to give our need to be center stage, to be in control, and to show we know it all. Good listening skills are important in all relationships. When you have good listening skills your relationships will be more trusting, fulfilling, purposeful, less conflictual and satisfying. And doesn’t that sound great?

Over the years of working with couples and families, I have found that 99% of them need to work on their communication skills. The majority of that is learning to not just hear but to truly listen to each other. Good listening may happen in the  beginning of relationships as we get to know each other. Over time, however, most often good listening fades and life gets in the way. In marriage, children arrive, and there’s stress at work, and busy schedules. Over time, people can just stop listening. Then conflict happens and in place of listening there is defensiveness, interruptions, distraction and focusing on one’s response rather than hearing their partner. Another issue is that over time families know each other so well, they often think they know what the other is going to say, so why listen?

Think about how you feel when you are talking to someone and it’s obvious they aren’t listening. Most likely you feel frustrated, angry, unimportant, or invisible. Most people either shut down and stop talking, walk away or get louder to make their point. When this happens the quality of the relationship weakens. 

When doing therapy with families or couples, the most important first step is to teach clients to stop and listen to each other through active listening.  With active listening exercises, people learn to slow down and listen with good eye contact and body language. They practice validating, acknowledging  and repeating back what the other said. The result is really hearing what the other said without judgement, interruption or fixing. When good listening is active in a relationship, people feel heard, accepted, important, validated, understood and seen.

The Bible has hundreds of verses that focus on listening including : James 1:19, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry”, Proverbs 18:13 “If one gives and answer before he hears, it is his folly and shame”,  Proverbs 18:2 “A fool takes no pleasure in understanding but only in expressing his opinion” and  Proverbs 17:28, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips he is deemed intelligent”. 

Imagine if you just took the time to listen to your spouse, children and friends without interrupting them or trying to fix them. What if you just listen, focusing on what they are saying, validating what they say and their feelings and not following up with your own story?

Try it and see how your relationships change. It doesn’t mean you won’t have your chance to respond with your opinion and ideas. It means that when you do respond, you listener will more likely give you the same respect. 

If you want your relationships to change it’s important to be self-aware when you are listening and identify changes you might need to make. The following are some things to consider when you are listening.

1.     Create a safe place for others to talk in which hard, complex and deeply emotional issues can be heard. The listener needs to honor the privledge of being able to hear the speaker’s story.

2.     Give eye-contact to the speaker making sure all distractions such as phones and other electronics are out of the way. 

3.     Try to understand what the other person is saying by asking questions and rephrasing what they heard to check for understanding. 

4.     Silence your need to fix the person’s problems and instead just listen (unless asked for direction or advice).

5.     Give nonverbal cues such a facial expressions, nodding, gestures, or body language to convey that the speaker is being heard.

6.     Acknowledge the emotions the speaker is feeling by verbally restating those feelings or with facial expressions showing empathy. The speaker’s feelings need to be validated and accepted and not judged.

7.     Listen without tag teaming or interrupting with similar experiences in your own life, unless asked.

It takes self-discipline and selflessness to listen carefully, to sit in silence, be present and honor the speaker’s words without adding your viewpoint. Give it a try! Stop, pay close attention to the words of the people in your life and you’ll notice an amazing difference in your relationships and in yourself.