Guardrails

Imagine you’re driving – it could be a highway or a rural road. You come to a bridge and as you cross you make note of barriers on each side. These barriers, or guardrails, serve to keep vehicles on the road and from accidentally falling off the bridge.

I use guardrails in my life to keep me on the road. They, in their simplest form, are decisions I make before I have to make decisions. I do this because I’ve come to realize that when I’m pressed for a quick decision, and am not able to take time to think, the quality of the decision is reduced. You may look back at some of my other postings and see examples of these guardrails. I encourage those I have the privilege of spending time with to develop guardrails of their own.

As I consider the guardrails I use, communication with others comes to mind. When we communicate, the intent is to exchange ideas or thoughts. The hope is that the audience (one or more people) understand and ‘match’ the thought in our mind. It’s not a perfect system. So, how do we increase the odds the mental image contained in each of our minds matches? We pre-decide to use as many of the ‘channels of communications’ as possible. There are four: words, tone, body posture, and facial expression.

In our super technological society, we have many ways to communicate with others: text, email, voicemail, phone call, video call, and in-person. How many of the ‘channels of communication’ come through each of those methods? For text messages or emails, only one of the channels comes through. The rest (tone, facial expression and body posture) are imagined in the mind of the recipient. Your interpretation will often be based on your last or most common interactions with the other person. So, if the last conversation you had was negative, that may be how your message will be received. If you’re talking on the phone, only two of the channels are conveyed, words and tone. That’s a little better than texts, but still far short of being in person. In other words, it’s not the next best option.

The best? Particularly when having a difficult conversation. Do it in person! So much of the message is lost when we’re not face to face. You may desire immediate resolution and want to just send a text to your spouse. No, wait to talk when you get home.

This is such an important first step toward overcoming poor communication in a relationship. So why don’t you predecide to do important conversation face to face.

Jeff LaSpina, M.A., LCPC