Grief and Loss

My father passed away in January of this year.  He was 74 years old and fought a long, hard battle with multiple myeloma.  We had been praying that he would have a bone marrow transplant this Spring, but his life ended before the transplant was scheduled.  Grief is a slippery sucker!  Just when you think you are ok you realize you are not.  For me, this happens at strange and unplanned times.  I’ll hear a song or think of a memory or see someone who resembles my dad and I’ll get sideswiped by sadness.  My mom still hasn’t changed the voicemail on her phone, so when she misses one of my calls, I get greeted by my dad’s cheery voice asking me to leave a message.  It surprises me every time and leaves me longing for his presence.

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote a book called, “On Death and Dying.”  In it she described five stages of grief. 

• Denial

• Anger

• Bargaining

• Depression

• Acceptance. 

It’s a great baseline for understanding the different emotions and feelings experienced in grief.  The first stage is denial.  This is where confusion, fear, shock and avoidance set in.  You simply cannot believe the person is gone.  The next stage is anger.  You are frustrated, irritated and full of anxiety.  You are mad!  Bargaining follows where you struggle to find meaning, reach out to others and tell your story.  The fourth stage is depression where you feel overwhelmed, helpless, hostile and want to run.  Emotional support is vital during the bargaining and depression stages.  You need the love and care of others to help you move through these stages.  The final stage is acceptance where you learn how to move on in a healthy way.  New plans are made and options are explored. 

I’ve found that the grieving process isn’t a linear pattern where you follow the different stages in numerical order.  Instead it’s a fluid journey that vacillates somewhere between denial and acceptance without boundaries. 

Every person’s grieving journey will be different.  Are you grieving?  Be patient and kind to yourself.   Ask for help.  Do you know someone who is grieving?  Ask them how you can help.  Be available to them.  One of the greatest gifts you can give someone who is grieving is to simply show up.  My dad coached my little brother’s soccer team for over 10 years.  When his assistant coach and some of the players learned of my dad’s passing, a group of them drove 12 hours to attend his funeral.  This was such a gift to my family.  Childhood friends flew across the country and others traveled across state lines to support us.  They expressed their love by simply showing up.  And it meant the world to us.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and in truth” (1 John 3:18).