Grief and Hallmark Movies
I sat down to write this blogpost having finished the gauntlet of activities involved in saying goodbye to my beloved husband, Nick, in September. Funeral services, receptions, celebrations of life, and collaborating with everyone from family to accountants – all part of a process that preoccupied my grief for a few months. This journey is not unfamiliar but always unwelcomed. There’s no detour around it. Going through grief and loss is a gut punch every time.
It is interesting that grief and loss are a part of life, but one that is often removed or distanced from our daily lives whenever possible. We contain it to hospitals and hospices followed by a service or a sentiment expressed to the grieving. The expectation is that from there, everyone moves on. This is the second time that I have lost a treasured spouse (my first husband died of cancer twenty years ago) with the loss of a precious teen daughter in 2006 in a car accident in the interim. Losing Nick to lymphoma and heart problems has not been easier for having past experience; it is God’s grace and wise Christian counsel that sustain me personally through this valley.
I was speaking with someone the other day about the speed of recovering and grieving in a world that expects swift processing of everything imaginable. “Shouldn’t you be moving on by now?” is actually not unusual to be asked. I laughed and told her that loss is not like a Hallmark movie where, within an hour or two, the obvious path to a new life or relationship is clear and the pain and longing are replaced by a new country life with a magical dream coming true. If only it could be like that….
A more truthful movie would involve anger, sadness, surprise over where support comes from, disappointment over those who aren’t supportive, and a general frustration with the phrases “Everything happens for a reason” and “It is all part of God’s plan.” Here is where a counselor can help. Often the associated problems or concerns of life feel overwhelming beyond the grief, and sorting through helping coping resources while just having a safe place to process every thought makes a big difference. I am grateful that wrestling with God in my past losses has made clear to me that God does not plan pain and suffering but is, instead, my greatest source of strength, comfort, and direction. I know He will use these times of loss for good – He has done it before – and is the shepherd of my life when the direction feels uncertain.
When it comes to grief and loss, little discussion takes place and many times we don’t know what to say or do. We all know that Kubler Ross is well known for describing the five stages of grief and sometimes we try to fit people into these categories to see where “they are in the grief process.” For me, moving through the shock and anger/sadness, enduring the suffering of loss, learning to survive the loss and recovering some energy for daily life, and gaining stability again feels more accurate. It takes time, support, and patient, deliberate effort to heal from grief and loss. I have found personally that the four walls of a counseling room are a safe and secure place to unpack the distress and be heard where we are at in the journey. We are all a work in progress and have healing to do in various areas of our lives. God is faithful in supplying what we need and I promise from experience that He is able. If we at the Renewing Life Center can come alongside you and be part of your healing, please call and let a counselor like myself join you on your road.
Diane Vogelzang, M.A., LCPC Intern