Get Your Marriage Un-stuck
Has your marriage ever felt stuck? Have you experienced times of feeling distant, or dissatisfied in your marriage? I believe most marriages go through seasons of greater conflict, frustration, and detachment. It is a sinking feeling and sadly we can begin to feel lonely in our own marriage. There may even be a sense of 'buyer's remorse' as we find ourselves unhappy and unfulfilled.
This is not the way our relationship began. New love usually starts with a bang. A whole host of wonderful feelgood chemicals rush our brain and we come to believe deep down that we have met the man or woman of our dreams. Love is in the air, music sounds sweeter, the sun shines brighter, and we do crazy things like staying up until 2:00 AM talking about our relational bliss. Everything just clicks without a whole lot of effort.
Sustaining love is a longer journey. It requires greater effort and demands something more of us. But it also has greater reward ... and it makes for a far better and more meaningful life story.
So, how do we get our marriage unstuck?
First, we need to avoid our natural self-preservation responses. When a marriage relationship has been spiraling in a negative direction many people make the very natural but hurtful choice to focus on themselves. We turn towards self-preservation. "What about me? Why can't you be there for me the way I need you to be? Why can't you meet my needs?" Working with hundreds of couples in my office I usually see one of two harmful responses emerge when this negative spiral begins and spouses move to self-protection mode.
TWO HARMFUL RESPONSES:
1. Payback: “You are being a jerk to me so I will return the favor.” In poker terms it’s like saying, "I will see your miserable behavior and raise you ten more." It is returning every negative with an even greater negative. This response seems justified, it seems fair, "After all, they started it."
2. Withdrawal: "You are being a horrible spouse, so I am through with you." We pull back, create distance, build walls, get quiet, and close ourselves off emotionally and physically. All alone, our thinking grows increasingly dark and negative. "Just try to get close to me and see what you get." This response seems very natural, "Why would I want to be open or close with someone who is treating me so poorly?"
TWO COURAGEOUS RESPONSES:
Notice, both of these responses lead in the opposite direction of what the husband or wife truly desires... the enjoyment of a close, connected and loving relationship. You can continue the pattern of payback and withdrawal until your marriage comes to an end but the better choice is to act with relational courage. It will always create a better marriage, a better life and a better story. Here are two healthier and more courageous responses:
1. Change your motivation: Instead of simply reacting to your spouse’s behavior, make a decision to follow God’s instructions for you as a husband or wife. The motivation for your behavior should always be to please God and follow his call and directives for your life rather than simply responding to the behavior of your spouse. Essentially, be proactive rather than reactive. Don’t ignore problems, but handle them in healthy, loving and graceful ways. This takes courage, "What if my spouse takes advantage of my kindness? What if I am treated unfairly?" There are certainly risks, but most of the time your proactive and loving behavior is the best way to stop a downward cycle in your marriage. The bigger risk is to respond in a negative and reactionary way which is certain to add fuel to the fire.
2. Overcome the negative: The Bible tells us "Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good." (Romans 12:21) It almost sounds like a cliché to say that goodness will overcome evil or that good will prevail. But I cannot tell you how many times I have seen amazing marital transformations in my counseling office when a husband or wife courageously decides to do what is right or loving regardless of the negative direction that the marriage is sliding. It is a game changer. It can reverse a negative trend and move your marriage towards forgiveness and healing.
So, has your marriage ever felt stuck? Maybe you feel stuck right now? Choose the courageous response and see the difference it makes.