Four Habits for a Healthy Marriage
My husband and I just celebrated our 26th wedding anniversary! You probably assume that since I’m a marriage therapist we have the perfect marriage. Nope! Marriage is difficult for everyone, even for people who know how to help others.
What can help you in your marriage? Here are a few things I’ve learned over the years:
1. Go back to the beginning. Remember when you first met your partner? How beautiful she was or funny he was? How kind she was or how patient he was? You went on dates and spent hours talking. There was something that brought you together and kept you together all the way to the altar. You vowed to stay together for better or worse and you meant it. You couldn’t wait to spend the rest of your life together. Fast forward a few years and you’re not going on dates and barely speaking. What happened? I don’t know, but I know it will help to return to the things you did at first. Even if it’s a little awkward at first: Go on dates. Schedule time to talk every night (you can start small with 5 or 10 minutes). Go on a vacation without the kids. The goal is to connect and remember that you like each other.
2. Solve your solvable problems. You have issues in your marriage? That’s not weird; there is no such thing as a problem-free relationship. The key is not making mountains out of molehills. There might be bigger issues, but some of the things you fight about are probably manageable. Focus on solving the easy-to-solve issues. For instance, maybe you fight about who does what chores in the house. You can fix that with a chore chart or by alternating chores each week. There are simple solutions to most problems.
3. Become a student of your spouse. My husband and I are total opposites. He’s all about facts; I’m all about feelings. He likes to watch sports; I like to watch crime dramas. He likes to go out for Mexican or Chinese; I … don’t like to go out for Mexican or Chinese. We’re opposites, and one thing that’s helped us is understanding each other’s personalities and love languages. It lets you know the other person isn’t wrong, just different. Here are three free tests: www.16personalities.com, www.truity.com (click on The Enneagram Personality Test), www.5lovelanguages.com.
4. Learn how to communicate effectively. As a marriage counselor the number one complaint I hear from couples is that they don’t know how to communicate effectively. The goal of every conversation should be to listen and speak with kindness and respect. Take note of the tone you are using and the words you are saying. Are you speaking with gentleness or in anger? Do you communicate love to your spouse, even in the middle of a disagreement? Does your partner feel safe, like he or she can be vulnerable with you? Do you pray before having difficult conversations? If you want to have a healthy marriage (and I bet you do!) you need to focus more on being loving than being right.
I encourage you to get help if you need it. My husband and I have sought marriage counseling at different points in our marriage. In fact, some of the tips I just shared with you we learned in counseling!