Don’t Be a Critic-Make the Better Choice to Change Your Relationship

It doesn’t matter if you’ve been married for thirty years or have been dating a couple months, there will always be some things in your relationship you don’t like. You will likely see some behaviors, attitudes, or habits in your partner that you believe need some fine-tuning. Perhaps your partner doesn’t help enough, or clean up after themselves, or they interrupt you when you’re talking and monopolize conversations. There is always something that needs changing and there is room for improvement in every relationship.

Turns out, how we try to make these changes is very important. Research is clear that one of the most common ways we try to create change is very ineffective, and usually makes things worse. When our partner is doing something that is frustrating or displeasing, it is a natural reaction for us to respond in a critical manner. We tend to criticize our partner when they are doing or saying something that upsets us or when they are not doing what we need or want. As the saying goes, “everyone’s a critic.”

How about you? Do you criticize your partner when you are upset, or when your needs are not being met? The research of Dr. John Gottman lists criticism as one of the top four destructive practices sabotaging communication in our relationships. This is certainly not our intention; we are not trying to be destructive or negative. We just want to let our partner know we are upset. But, according to Dr. Gottman’s research, criticism usually leads to defensiveness and a breakdown of healthy communication.

How do we change this pattern? What is a better way to handle the frustrations and create the change we want? 

The better way to get the results you want is to simply ask for what you need or want without the criticism. I am often encouraging clients to “lovingly and proactively ask for what you need.” Let me illustrate the difference between the two with a series of statements:

1. You are frustrated with the lack of quality time you have with your spouse:

- Criticism: “You never want to spend time with me. Everything else takes priority over me.”

- Loving request: “Hey, I have been feeling lonely lately, would you be up for sitting out back and talking for a while after dinner? Or could we plan a date for this weekend?”

2. You want more help around the house:

- Criticism: “You never help me; you expect me to do everything around here.”

- Loving request: “Would you mind doing the dinner dishes tonight?”

3. You would like your partner to be more affectionate:

- Criticism: “You are so cold. I think we could go weeks without kissing or touching and I don’t think you would notice.”

- Loving request: “Come snuggle with me on the couch.”

When you look at these statements, it is easy to see the difference. The critical statements make us want to pull back and defend ourselves. The loving requests tend to draw us in. I operate on the premise that most people desire to be a good partner or spouse. So, when you lovingly ask for what you want, it’s like you are giving your husband or wife “low hanging fruit.” You’re giving them clear direction about what you need. I strongly believe it is more effective to ask for what you need rather than being critical about what you are not receiving. You are telling your spouse how to succeed in the moment rather than telling them they have already failed. Certainly, we won’t get everything we ask for, but making this change will greatly increase the odds that we will be heard and understood without a defensive response and push back. 

If you are struggling with communication in your relationship, the Renewing Life Center is here to help. “Can You Hear Me Now” is a two-week course on effective communication skills for couples. This course will be held at the Renewing Life Center on October 6th and 13th. Click here for information and registration. Space is limited.  Hope you can join us!