Helping Your Child Develop a “Yes Brain” Mentality

Do you want your children to have courage, curiosity and resilience?

Sure! We all do. So, how do we cultivate that in our kids?

That’s exactly what Daniel J. Sigel, M.D. and Tina Payne Bryson, Ph.D. teach in their book “The Yes Brain”(2018).

In an exercise for his audiences, Siegel asks people to close their eyes, noticing their body’s reaction as he harshly says, “No,” over and over seven times. He then changes the word to “Yes,” as he calmly says it over and over seven times. When the audience is asked to describe their experience, they state the “No” portion made them feel tense, defensive, upset and shut down. The “Yes” portion left them feeling lighter, relaxed, calm and open.

In life, a No Brain leaves your nervous system in a reactive fight-flight-freeze-or faint response, lashing out, escaping, unable to listen, make good decisions or connect and care for others. The Yes Brain, emerging from different circuits, creates in us receptivity, not reactivity. In this state we are open to harmony and equanimity and we are able to learn, absorb and assimilate new information.

The Yes Brain is what parents want for their kids, hoping they will look at obstacles and novel experiences as new challenges to face and overcome rather than paralyzing experiences. A child with a Yes Brain mentality is more flexible and adaptable, and is more open to compromise, taking  chances, and exploring. They are less stubborn and rigid.

According to Siegel and Bryson, the Yes Brain is based on the latest research about the brain, a scientific lens called “interpersonal neurobiology” (IPNB). The focus is neurobiology from an interpersonal perspective. The key concept guiding IPNB is integration, the process that happens when differentiated parts work together as a whole. The brain has many parts each with different functions. Kids need to develop and integrate their whole brains, so the various regions of the brain are more connected structurally and functionally. There is nothing more important than an integrated brain to help a child grow into a person who can live a meaningful  and successful life.

A child with an integrated brain is able to adjust when things don’t go their way. Instead of being reactive and at the mercy of their surroundings and emotion, a child will respond with receptivity and be able to decide how they want to respond to challenges and various situations.

Siegel and Payne Bryson discuss the importance of building what they call the “upstairs brain” in children. They look at a child’s developing brain from the perspective of a house. The bottom floor, or the downstairs brain, is the more primitive parts of the brain, the brainstem and limbic region. The downstairs brain is responsible for strong emotions, instincts, digestion and breathing. It is also responsible for one’s automatic processes and operates very quickly. We  are most often not aware when it is doing its job. This part of the brain is fairly well developed at birth.

The upstairs brain is the part of the house under major construction. This part of the brain is the cerebral cortex, responsible for complex thinking, relational and emotional skills, problem solving, considering consequences and perspective taking. The prefrontal cortex in the upstairs brain is responsible for most behaviors we expect to see in a mature and caring person with an active Yes Brain. 

The four fundamentals of the Yes Brain are balance, resilience, insight and empathy.

When we see a child is having trouble with big emotions, it’s important to help them with the skill of balance. Balance helps a child regulate their emotions and body using good decision making even when upset.

When a child is struggling with difficult circumstances, they need to develop more resilience.

Once there is balance and resilience the child is prepared to develop insight. With insight, children can understand themselves and their emotions, what they care about and who they want to be.

Empathy is the last Yes Brain fundamental, which combines a child’s strengths and insights and uses them to understand and care for self and others and act ethically.

A child with a Yes Brain will be happier and more interested in the world and more flexible and easier to work with. A cyclical process, the Yes Brain leads to more balance, resilience, insight and empathy in a child.  As parents and others work to encourage and promote the four fundamentals, a Yes Brain approach to the world is developed leading to even more balance, resilience, insight and empathy. 

Being mindful that the upstairs brain is still under construction (some parts aren’t fully developed until the mid-twenties!), parents need to be patient and not to expect more than their kids are capable of in terms of behavior and perspective. Experiences need to be offered to children that help support and encourage them to be balanced, resilient, insightful and empathetic. Children need the support of their parents to help them grow, strengthen and support the upstairs brain preparing them for lifelong success.

Siegel, D.J. & Payne Bryson, T. (2018), The Yes Brain. New York: Bantam.