Anger Management, Part Four
Have you ever seen a baby being born? Unless there is something medically wrong, all babies enter the world screaming and crying. They appear to be really angry! It’s probably because it’s their first time outside of a perfectly balanced, dark, warm environment. They are suddenly thrust into a bright, cold hospital room. I think I’d be angry too!
As parents and caregivers, it’s our job to teach our children how to regulate and control their emotions. We provide comfort, support, training, and a safe place to explore their many changing emotions. This can be especially challenging during the notorious terrible twos where one minute your precious baby is snuggling up next to you, and the next minute violently slamming you in the head with a toy.
I’ve been doing a blog post on anger. This is the fourth, and last, installment. As promised, I’m discussing children and anger.
Here are some tools to help you manage your child’s anger:
1. Self-reflection. You know that saying, “Do as I say, not as I do”? Unfortunately, this doesn’t actually work in real life. Children are more likely to follow what you do than what you say. Children are like sponges and soak up everything around them. They are in a constant state of learning and growing. This means they are constantly watching and listening to the people around them. Whether we like it or not, we are always teaching them how to behave and manage their emotions by our example.
· Do you have road rage?
· Do you scream at cars or curse at people as they pass by?
Your children are watching and learning from your example. If you want to help your children manage their anger, you must first look at yourself and reflect on how you handle your anger. If you aren’t happy with your self-assessment, reach out for help. At the Renewing Life Center, we have many therapists on staff who can help you.
I want to be clear: There is no such thing as a perfect parent. We all make mistakes. We all need to change in different areas. Self-reflection shouldn’t lead to self-hatred or depression. It’s a tool to help us grow and change in transformative ways so we can be better for ourselves and the people we love.
2. Talk about emotions as a family. You can start talking about emotions with your children from a very young age. Start with the basics like happy, sad, and mad. If your two-year-old starts dancing and clapping her hands, say something like, “You are so happy!” and match your tone and expressions with hers. If you can see her start to get upset say, “You must be feeling sad,” and reflect sadness back to her. If your six-year-old is getting angry during his homework, sit down next to him and say something like, “I remember how hard homework was when I was your age. I would get angry at my teacher for giving me so many assignments to complete at home. Are you feeling angry?” We are our children’s teachers. Help them to name the emotions they are feeling and explore ways to handle them in healthy and productive ways.
3. Create emotion stations in your home. If you want to help your children manage their anger, you must model healthy anger management and talk about it as a family. But you have to provide tools for them. For small children I recommend a space in the house that’s filled with pillows, crayons, paper, squishy balls, stuffed animals, and books. It’s a safe place they can go to when they need to calm down and deescalate. For older kids this usually happens in their bedrooms. Provide pillows, fidget spinners, slime, a journal, and music.
4. Take a break. Have you ever felt so angry you blacked out or forget what you said in the middle of an argument? This is called flooding. Your blood pressure and heart rate increase and your body reaches a point where there is no turning back and nothing good will follow. Flooding happens to our children too. In these moments it’s important to take a break. I recommend that family’s come up with a silly code word that signifies that a time out is needed. Everyone involved must separate for about 10-15 minutes to cool down. Once everyone has calmed down the discussion can continue.
5. Solve the problem. Most of the issue’s children face are solvable. Anger occurs when sibling’s fight, feelings get hurt, someone doesn’t get their way, or simply because of exhaustion or hunger. It’s imperative that we teach our children how to solve their problems in healthy and productive ways. Once the anger has subsided, sit down, and have a conversation with your child about what happened. Ask them for more information. Listen to them and ask how they felt and what they learned. Talk about different solutions to their problems and how they could have handled things differently.
At the Renewing Life Center, we are here for you! Whether you or your child are struggling with anger we can help. Call 702-434-7290 to schedule an appointment with one of our trained professionals. You are not alone!