Agreements of the Heart

Have you ever said, “I will never do that again?” Sometimes this can be a helpful statement ... such as, “I will never eat a whole pizza again in a single sitting,” or “I will never again ride my mountain bike down a steep hill without a helmet.” Experiencing great pain can cause you to make some very healthy decisions to avoid similar pain in the future. However, sometimes saying “I will never again” can hurt you deeply. These types of vows can keep you from experiencing a full and abundant life. 

One of my favorite authors, John Eldredge calls these never again vows, “agreements of the heart.” And while these agreements can sometimes be helpful, they often keep us from experiencing the goodness of life. This is especially true with agreements we make when we are children. Childhood vows are usually born in great pain and are meant to protect us from continuing to get hurt. But the things you vow to protect yourself when you are young may be very hurtful to you as an adult.

When I was in middle school, I was the target of a bully and I made a vow to blend in, not be noticed, and stay beneath the radar to avoid having him continue to target me. This served me extremely well in middle school, but it was not a good strategy for adulthood. I realized as a young adult that I was still trying to blend in and avoid being noticed. It took some work to understand where this came from and change the behavior.

Here are some examples of these kinds of vows. See if any of them feel familiar to you:

·      I will never open my heart to someone again.

·      I am the only person I can trust, I will never trust others or let anyone get close to me. 

·      I am never going on another date for as long as I live!

·      I am done praying to God.

These vows are born in pain. They can have a profound effect on how you live, and on the decisions you make. When someone says, “I will never let someone get close to me again” it can change the whole trajectory of their life. The same decisions that are meant to protect you from pain can often create far greater pain throughout the course of your life. 

Sometimes an agreement of the heart is not a vow but rather a negative thought or lie you accept about yourself because of a negative experience. This negative belief can become entrenched as a core truth in the operating system of your life. Some of these thoughts can sadly become imbedded in your life at a very young age. See if any of these seem familiar to you:

·      I am not very lovable.

·      I am just a sad person.

·      I am not smart.

·      I am not good at _________________ (fill in the blank).

·      No one really cares about me.

Again, these negative self-thoughts masquerading as core truths can keep you from the life God wants for you. God desires you to be His ambassador, gifted by Him to make a difference in your world ... but these agreements can keep you sidelined and ineffective. The Bible tells us that Satan is “the father of lies.” I think this is the primary way Satan attacks us and tries to destroy the good that God desires for our life.

How about you? Do you have any agreements of the heart that are holding you back? Or false truths keeping you from a full, joyful and productive life? It can be very helpful to examine core beliefs and childhood vows and do the work to realign yourself with God’s truth. 

I know this can be challenging, which is why the Renewing Life Center is always here to help you with this journey.